Clever Blog!

Grateful

daneykakes — Fri, 12 Mar 2010 18:37:22 +0000

So it’s been a while since I posted… I always have things to post about but then I delete them because I feel like I’m using this blog just to whine… Maybe it’s because in life I really am a happy, positive person and I never remain upset or in a bad mood for long. Maybe all that whining needs to come out on this blog, but I hate complainers…
Anyhow, I have taken a new job in which a disabled child is in my care for twelve hours, three days a week. I even go to school with them! As far as I’m concerned these are the best nursing jobs to be had, because you can devote all your attention to your one patient and address all their needs.
The last time I had a job like this, I worked in a very affluent neighborhood. This time around, it’s the opposite. Many things are the same… Up until about the fourth grade, kid seem unable to keep their hair brushed, they ask to go to the bathroom just to get out of class, and they are EXTREMELY blunt. At both schools there is entirely too much focus on standardized tests… But there are also some big differences…
The affluent school I worked in had a huge salad bar just for teachers and adult visitors to utilize for lunch. Once a week they had a baked potato too, tea or lemonade included, all for two bucks! At this school, adults get the same lunch as kids, (which has been cold pizza three times this week!) but are charged twice as much. Iced tea is an extra charge. The playground is smaller, the equipment is older. And I have seen kids in clothes that don’t fit.
When I say I have seen kids in clothes that don’t fit, I don’t mean that their pants are a little highwater, and the parents are just waiting the few weeks until it’s too warm to breathe here in Texas, so they can just go ahead and buy summer clothes. I mean the clothes are tight, streched, pulled thin and full of holes. Shirts reveal navels, jeans that should reach the ankle reach the calf. Kids are in the cold without jackets.
I’m sure the parents of these kids, for the most part, were just like me… Had baby showers with their friends, Jotting down names with their spouse to see what works with their last name best, put their sonogram photos on the refridgerator, waited oh so anxiously for them to finally BE HERE! And once they were here, the minute that child was placed in their arms their heart overflowed with more love than they ever thought possible… They probably didn’t once dream that they would be sending them through the lunch line to get free lunch in shoes that don’t fit…
I know that there are worse things that could happen than to not be able to afford things like clothing… I’ve had some awful things happen to me in the last few years, and I know there are worse things still. But I believe, for the most part, I have protected my children from these things and allowed them to continue to lead their lives with very little care.
I’m grateful for that.

Somebody’s got to do it…

daneykakes — Mon, 22 Feb 2010 20:25:01 +0000

Today I went for orientation with a new patient. I like working pediatric home health for a lot of reasons… the pay is usually good, the kids usually have some sort of disability but are stable for the most part, and there is only one patient to deal with, which is the best part. And, probably most relevant… you work, for the most part, ALONE… One of the worst things about nursing, and I think many nurses would agree with this, is other nurses. I can explain… in nursing there are no mistakes allowed… but obviously, being human, we make them. Usually the mistakes are with paperwork or transcription or something rarely insignificant (when I say insignificant I mean not threatening to the patient’s LIFE) but it could still get you fired, or get your license referred to the state or a number of other things. So a big part of nursing is trying to point out the mistakes of others to deflect from your own. This is one of the things I hate, and one of the reasons I hate myself, at times, when I am nursing, although I have never partaken of this regularly, as I make a conscious effort to avoid it. But thats the way it is, baby! So the nurse I trained with today was the type to NOT involve herself in the drama for which I was thankful. She was quite pleasant and a lot of fun, and I could tell she truly love the child she is caring for. She was telling me today that the child can be a “stinker” and can swear and call names… I told her I was accustomed to that behavior in adults, so I could live with it, which is absolutely true. Adults know better, children do not always know what is appropriate. She agreed but she said something that made me think. She said, ”Just because it’s better than another job, or because we have been through it before, or because we CAN deal with it, that doesn’t mean that we should. That doesn’t make it right. THAT’S why I hate nursing… I HATE IT!” I had never thought about that… My last job was awful… backtalk from the patients, the administration, the staff, constantly being in fear for your job… I had a knot in my stomach thinking about it even when I wasn’t working. This job is going to be far more enjoyable, even if the child is stubborn and uncontrollable, and even if she swears and calls me names. But that doesn’t make it right.

Lovely Girls

daneykakes — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 18:11:43 +0000

Today, my daughter and her cheer squad leave for American Cheer Power All-Star Small gym National Championship. I am not able to leave as early as we had hoped, so when one of the other team moms offered to have Brooke ride with them and get into San Antonio earlier, she jumped at the chance.

I met them this morning at a gas station where much of the team had gathered to drive south together. The girls ran from one car (ok, SUV) to another giggling and grinning. They were adorable. Hair in messy ponytails, sunglasses pushed on their heads, even though it was cloudy. They were wearing jeans, sweaters, Abercrombie t-shirts, hoodies, capris, and track suits. And they were so fresh and adorable as they decorated our cars (ok, SUV’s)…

Had I written a novel of my life, I would have written this very chapter into my childhood. How I would have longed to be the girl that was up early for a road trip decorating cars in my sweats and messy bun. Buying snacks and making a bathroom run in the gas station before we all piled into a van and headed to another city. But those things weren’t in my childhood. However, I am making it happen in my daughter’s. I do not have a lot of money, but I do have time. I will give it to her, to all of them. I will sacrifice “me” time and lunches and shopping trips and give them my time. The question is, do they appreciate it? Maybe not now. Maybe my daughter doesn’t see something as mundane as cheer leading or a road trip or painted car windows as living a charmed life.

But maybe one day, she will.

Why I don’t want to go back…

daneykakes — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 20:29:14 +0000

A few years ago the parent of a patient I cared for were talking… and I hate to harp on the subject of how unfair nurses and other healthcare professionals are treated, but it is just something I can really understand… anyway… we were talking about how I believe that healthcare professionals are portrayed unfairly in the media, as a general rule. There were recent headlines about a nurse who abused a child in their care, and while that is not excusable, when is the last time you ever read a story about a nurse who risked their life to stabilize a dangerous mental patient so other residents and staff members wouldn’t be injured… I actually had a friend, Claude, who did this… A patient at a place we worked at (although I did not work here during the time period this happened) somehow got hold of a sharp kitchen knife and was threatening the administrator of the facility with it. Now the administrator of this facility, I know, most likely had no idea at all how to handle this situation, and from what I heard, Claude stepped in, and after about thirty tense minutes, convinced the woman to give up the knife. The workers are very limited on what they can do to a patient, even a crazy one, and he could not have touched her or wrested the knife away from her without being subject to liability… but he used words and saved the day. Was this in any newspaper? I doubt it. In fact, a few years later, by the time I began working there the administrator was treating Claude like an idiot again. I guess it is easy to forget that someone saved your life. Claude has since passed away; he put a gun to his head. Now Claude was not a well man, but I truly believe that the nursing profession put him in the grave sooner rather than later… he was a delicate soul, and that cut throat business with not so much as a “thank you” or even a “kiss my ass” can be hard for the most stable person… but I am off the subject…

We were discussing Hurricane Katrina, and the fact that there were some nurses and nurses’ aides and nursing home owners who received criticism for abandoning patients as the water level rose to save their own lives. I do not know the entire story, and I couldn’t find any recent information concerning this online, so I may not have all the facts, but I do know that some wrongful death suits have been filed… What I do know is this: If I was at a job in this type of situation, I would do my absolute best to do what I could for the people that I could do it for, but if it became obvious that I could die while rescuing people, I am afraid I would have to save myself. This may sound selfish, but really it is not. I have children who need me. I have children, who could possibly be given to an abusive father if anything were to happen to me. I have children who have experienced an unbelievable amount of pain in their lives, and I would do anything to prevent more. My patient’s parent stated it beautifully. “There is no job I would die for.” and “There is only one person in the world I would die for, my child.” Would you die for your job? How many people do you believe would? Why do they expect healthcare professionals to do so? Don’t misunderstand me… I would do EVERYTHING in my power to help, but I have absolutely got to put my family before everyone, even my patients. Is that so hard to understand? Don’t think that any healthcare worker who feels that they have ever made the wrong decision in a bad situation is not haunted by that decision night and day, because they are. I thank God because right now I have a job where this wouldn’t even be an issue… I mean, how hard is it to scoop up one patient and get out? But imagine being in charge of a hall of 40, 50… I have had 60 patients in my charge and been the only nurse… Healthcare professionals are often put into situations, into which people who work in other professions could not even begin to comprehend, and they deal not with software, or customers, or clothing, or accounting… they deal with HUMAN LIFE! Yet everyone is so quick to criticize… And I do realize that some healthcare professionals are negligent… there are negligent people in every profession, but the majority of people I have met in this profession are trying to do their job the best that they can…

I am certainly no saint… I have learned a long time ago that forming a bond with patients will only get you in trouble… as a general rule they don’t care about you and forming an attachment will only get you hurt feelings and a write up… but I am a nurse, and I believe in doing a good job when I am paid to do so, so that is what I do. I always do my absolute best and nothing less… I do not have to be deeply in love with all my patients, or even like them, to take care of them well. (Of course not talking about my current patient… my current job is vastly different from what I write about here, and I believe it impossible to stay detached from a child that you care for one on one for any length of time…)

While I realize that it is upsetting to loose a loved one under any circumstances, and it seems even easier if there is someone to blame, these people filing wrongful death suits against the nursing home owners are the people who chose to place their loved ones there, rather than care for them themselves. Now I am not being critical of nursing home placement, it is very necessary at times and I understand that people need to work and take care of their own families or can’t handle grandmother, or dad or etc. but you are suing the people who spoon fed your mother, who continued to do so even when she spit pureed peas onto their clothes and screamed obscenities at them, they continued to coax her to eat because she is diabetic and they know that her blood sugar could drop dangerously low… you are suing the nurses aide who rolled your father over and wiped fecal matter off of him while he made lewd comments about what he would like to do to her…. you are suing the nurse who noticed your uncle slipping out of his wheelchair and ran to assist him back into it even though she weighs 110 pounds and he weighs 300 and she tore her rotator cuff doing so, but if she had taken the time to look for another person to help her he could have seriously injured himself…

Just realize that the next time that you read about a nurse who has been accused of abuse, or negligence, or about a malpractice suit filed against a physician, or a nursing home being sued by an irate person who’s 110 year old aunt who wasn’t ready to die… there are 100 good nurses, good doctors, good nursing homes… trying to make a difference, or at the very least trying to do a good job.

Love

daneykakes — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 01:01:14 +0000

Some things I love…

Mandarin oranges

Baked potatoes

Watching fish glide by in a fish tank

beautiful hair

My the smell of my daughters’ curls

Cheese

Writing with a pencil

soft skin

finding a perfect outfit

making a meal everyone likes

my dog

my cat

my sons’ goodness

My daughters’ bliss

getting mail that isn’t a bill

smart people

mac and cheese

funny movies

A cloudy day

Children

daneykakes — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 00:56:01 +0000

I love these guys…

Fat and Happy

daneykakes — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 19:44:22 +0000

I am fat. And I really don’t care. No, really. In fact, I only want to be thin so I can fit into certain clothes, but other than that I am OK with it.
I was young when I had my first three children, and with the first two, I lost all the baby weight and then some. But with the third one, for some reason, that weight just held on, no matter what I did.
Then, ten years later I had another one.
I was overweight when I got pregnant and had read so much about how dangerous that was… But my doctor wasn’t concerned. He said he didn’t see many thin people as healthy as I was… in fact, I was so healthy that when my blood pressure reached what is considered normal to most, he threatened to hospitalize me.
After the baby was born I worked hard… we walked every day that the weather permitted. I tried to eat right and stay away from sweets. But the weight stayed.
I was diagnosed with an under-active thyroid soon after this. Well, this was my ticket to weight loss! Thyroid medication! Except it wasn’t… I lost only a few pounds, even after an increase in the dose.
But once my dose was adjusted, I started to feel so much better, and healthier. I am definitely not as exhausted and I am able to do so much more. I am keeping up with my kids and having fun, even if I am falling into bed at nine every night.
So, I don’t care about the fat. I care about the feeling. And right now, I feel great.

Who wouldn’t?

Winning Isn’t Everything…

daneykakes — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 17:06:28 +0000

Today was my daughter’s third cheerleading competition. At the first one, her team came in second place. Out of two. At the second competition, the team was excited, because there were twelve teams in their division. Now they would know where they really stood! They placed tenth. Today was the third competition.

FIRST!

What a way to get started!

daneykakes — Fri, 08 Jan 2010 20:14:01 +0000

Tuesday my husband went to jail.

My husband is a wonderful man, but he has poor coping skills. With two of our four children having multiple hospitalizations in early/mid 2009, let’s just say that we both have issues coping. But my husband’s solution was to beg, borrow or steal Xanax wherever he could get it, and to drink too much. And he drove. With our daughter in the car. I am beyond trying to reason this away… I mean, the kid is just out of the hospital so you put her life in danger? I had to cope with the kids being in the hospital as well, but I didn’t abuse alcohol or drugs… But it is past. He had a jury trial and he went to jail. We had to tell the children. I’m not sure how to make this easy for any of us. I am exhausted with my own loneliness.

When I met my husband I was completely alone. My abusive husband had been arrested and I was left alone with our three kids in a home even the two of us could barely afford… I tried to find something cheaper, but my ex husband had left my rental history and credit ruined, and no one would rent to me. I was evicted, and my kids went with grandparents while I stayed with a friend. My friends boyfriend was friends with a man named Joe. I wasn’t interested… it was too soon, but I was hungry and a date usually meant a meal. So I went, and we got along well. He was funny and sweet. Living with my friend wasn’t working out, and I moved into a cheap hotel… not in the best neighborhood, but near my new job. One night I kicked the phone in my room off the hook and my husband freaked out when he couldn’t reach me. So he talked to his parents (Yes, I had three kids, but we were still relatively young at the time) went out on a limb and asked them if I could move into their spare room, and they said yes. It was here I was able to relax, to save and search for a renter that wouldn’t check rental history or who would believe me when I said that I liked to pay my bills, unlike my former spouse. During this time I still considered myself not ready for a relationship. But over the months it became clear that there was no man out there who could be as thoughtful and compassionate, and who had a real interest in my kids. One day I woke up and snapped out of that funk: I loved him… No one else, not even family, had ever done so much for me. Following our marriage in 2001 he cared for my children like they were his own, and when we did have our own no one could have been a more devoted father. Until the incident.

Everything IS NOT just ok with us, but we were in therapy, both with our pastor and a licensed therapist. When you are family, you do not quit each other. But my family isn’t of that opinion, and they have recinded their support. I am alone.

When we told the kids, my sixteen year stepped forward and hugged my husband and told him that he loves him and no one is free from mistakes. That is proof, in my opinion, that our marriage is worth fighting for, because my son is 100% the product of that relationship, even though biologically his father is someone else.

What do you tell a two year old who jumps up every time she hears a key in the door, calling “Daddy?” and looking from side to side for him. Our dog is searching for him. I know he deserved to be punished, but WE didn’t. My baby didn’t. It is such a sad situation, and I am so very lonely.